It's Wrong for Me to Love You Read online

  He sighed. “I know, Heaven. I wasn’t the one selling drugs. It was my homeboy. He was from the hood. He was gonna be the first in his family to graduate high school and go to UCLA on a full athletic scholarship. The nigga had skills. I knew that if I took the rap for him, my father would just pay my way out and send me to another school or some shit. My boy, Timothy, didn’t have it like that. He didn’t have a chance. Now, he’s in UCLA, doin’ the damn thing, making damn near straight-As. His family is proud, while my parents can barely look at me. And the fact that Charlie is pregnant isn’t gonna help fix the situation either. I’m basically fucked.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. I had no idea that he had so much going on. “Ummm, do you really have to tell your parents that Charlie is pregnant?”

  Aaron laughed a little. “Heaven, my parents are gonna know the only reason I’m marrying Charlie is because she’s pregnant. They know I don’t love that girl. If I don’t marry her, that will be one more thing they’ll be disappointed in me for.”

  “Everything that you do isn’t gonna make someone else happy. I learned that a long time ago when I would do everything in the world to try to make Juanita smile when she was depressed.” I swept my hair from my face. “There were times when she wouldn’t get out of bed for weeks. There were times when we had to beg family members for food because sometimes, the only thing we had in the refrigerator was baking soda and Budweiser.”

  Aaron’s eyes searched mine, a sympathetic look swept across his face.

  “Juanita hated us, Aaron. My little brother and my older sister were the best siblings anyone could ever have. I loved them so much. I would get the shit beat out of me for trying to stop Juanita from beating my brother, all because he kept stealing money out of her purse to go buy food from the corner store. My sister was beautiful . . . legs, hips, and ass for days. She had long hair, caramel skin, light eyes. I think every one of my mother’s boyfriends molested her, and my mother never gave a fuck. She probably traded my sister for drugs. Who knows? All I know is only one of her boyfriends tried me,” I hated to admit.

  Aaron’s temples twitched. “What did the nigga do to you?”

  I looked at him. “Let’s just say I made it out of the house alive that night. About the only thing Juanita ever taught me to do was how to fire a gun. One night, when her boyfriend tried to climb into my bed naked, I reached under my mattress, pulled out the gun, and shot the muthafucka right between his legs. My mother came home that night to find an ambulance and the police outside of our home. She never forgave me for that night, even though I told her that he tried to rape me! She drank herself into a deeper and deeper depression. She watched another boyfriend rape my sister, and the bitch ended up killing my brother. Aaron, I have been through hell!” I shook my head, stomach in knots. “If it wasn’t for Renée or for Charlie, I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now. I would have blown my brains out the day my brother was murdered!”

  Aaron held my hands, kissing both of them. He wasn’t sure what he could say that could take away any of the pain that I still felt inside.

  I looked at him. “Jamie helped me through a lot too. We grew up together. We only dated for about two years. He was my best friend. A huge part of me died when he moved to Tennessee to live with his dad. He just up and left me, not really saying good-bye. I had lost so much, Aaron. I lost my father who I never knew, I lost my mother who never wanted to know me, I lost my brother who loved me with all of his heart, I lost my sister who couldn’t handle what had happened to her, and I lost Jamie who was my sunshine after the storm.”

  Aaron’s eyes traced my lips.

  “I’m sorry for talking about this. I said I wanted to be happy today, and here I am bringing up the past. Aaron, it’s just that I need love. I don’t want your pieces. I have been getting bits and pieces of people all of my life.” My eyes searched his. “Don’t I deserve to be happy, Aaron? Don’t I?”

  Aaron gently kissed my lips. “Yes, shorty, you deserve the world.”

  I looked into his face as he kissed my lips again. “Oh my goodness, my heart could have really used your touch back then. I seriously doubt that you would have left me feeling as if love doesn’t exist. Everything about you is love, Aaron. I wish I would have felt some of this sooner.”

  Aaron’s eyes traced my lips once again. “I don’t know what Jamie’s reason was for leaving you, but that nigga was crazy to leave someone like you. I would have protected you. I would have done whatever I could to make sure I kept a smile on your face, Heaven. I would do anything I could to repair your heart. You would have been happy with me, Heaven, I promise you that.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m not even gonna lie. The only time you would feel a little pain would be when I was drillin’ that pussy. I would have fucked the shit out of you in high school . . . shit, probably middle school too!” He smiled a little.

  I shook my head, drying my tears. “You’re so stupid,” I laughed.

  “I’m serious, shorty. You deserve to be happy. I wish I wasn’t so intimidated by how I knew you felt about Jamie. You were so fine, so pretty, so cute. I tried approaching you in school, but every time we were face-to-face, I lost my nerve.” Aaron held my hips. “If I would have known that you were feeling me too, this whole situation would have been avoided.” His lips caressed mine, his hands gripping my hips. “C’mon, enough of the talkin’. Let’s put in some work.”

  I stood from the bed, unhooking my bra.

  Aaron slid my panties past my hips, across my thighs, down my calves, and from my feet. He slipped his tank top from his head and pulled his boxers off. He scooped me up in his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist, laying me down on the bed, his body on top of mine. We kissed passionately until he couldn’t take it anymore. He reached for a condom from the nightstand. I watched him tear it open, then slide it on. I held on to him as he slid his way inside of me. I bit down on his neck as he dug through me. He had a fist full of my hair, and he tugged on it a little. My whole body was burning hot. It didn’t take long before we both broke out in a sweat.

  My pussy was so wet. Aaron’s heart beat against my chest. He took my breath completely away at that moment. All I could do was take in his air. He pumped my pussy until it was dry. I felt my cervix shift in all sorts of directions. I whimpered and I cried as he dug into me. I gripped his ass in my hands as he stroked my body. Just when I couldn’t take it anymore and begged him to stop, I could feel his dick throbbing inside of me. And then, all his weight fell on top of me.

  We had sex that entire afternoon. I needed it, though the entire time we spent together was pointless. Kissing him, touching him, holding him, suckin’ on him, fuckin’ on him, stroking him, riding him. . . . It was all pointless. I knew he loved me. He had to. He knew he would have to deal with Charlie as soon as he saw her. He had been avoiding her calls since the night before. Meanwhile, Renée, Alisha, and damn near the whole dance squad was blowing up my phone. People I hadn’t talked to in years were calling, asking me why I hadn’t shown up to class. I think I even got a call from one of Aaron’s teammates. I knew then that everyone was calling me just to see where Aaron was.

  While Aaron slept that afternoon, I worked on my term paper and finished it within two hours. At about 2:30, Aaron awoke from his nap and went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I guess the boy wanted to seduce me with his cooking. He made shrimp pasta, rolls, salad, steak, and potatoes. Oh my goodness, the boy made love to me with his cooking. I had already been sipping on Siren Songs all afternoon, and I was drunk as hell. We laughed, we drank, we smoked, and we ate. Then we had sex. A lot of sex.

  Aaron and I had sex on a chair out on the balcony. We had sex on the kitchen table. We had sex on the recliner. We had sex in the hot tub. He had sex in my mouth. I had sex in his mouth. We had sex in the shower. I was too drunk to remember if there was another round after that, that afternoon. All I knew is that I woke up on the bathroom floor, condom wrappers stuck to my back. My wh
ole body was sore. I could barely drag myself up off the floor. I could barely walk. I could feel my pussy lips throbbing, swollen between my legs. Needless to say, yeah, he murdered the pussy. I peeled the empty condom wrappers from my skin, tossing them in the trash can. My sweatpants and tank top sat in a corner. I walked over, picking them up off the floor.

  “Aaron?” I called out, walking down the hallway, pulling my tank top over my head. As I slipped into my sweatpants, I felt a breeze coming from the living room. The smell of a Newport hit me in the face. Aaron was outside smoking on the balcony.

  He looked up at me as I slid the door open wider to go outside to join him. He grinned at me as I sat down. It was dark out. The moon sat high in the sky.

  “What time is it?” I asked, sitting across from him.

  “It’s 9:30.” He exhaled smoke from his nostrils. He saw me squirming a little in the chair, trying to figure out a way to sit that was comfortable. “You all right, shorty?”

  I looked at him, trying not to show any signs of pain on my face. “Just trying to get comfortable. The pussy is a little swollen.”

  He laughed a little, leaning back in the chair, the very chair that we had sex in. He didn’t look too happy. He looked like something was bothering him.

  I hesitated. “Do you want to be left alone? I mean, I can go back inside if I’m disturbing you.”

  Aaron shook his head as he exhaled smoke through his nose. “Nah, you’re good. I’m just thinkin’, that’s all.”

  “About?” I swept my bangs from my face.

  “You.” He put his cigarette out in the ashtray.

  My heart palpitated in my chest. “What about me?” I asked.

  “What’s gonna happen to you? I mean, what are you gonna do?” He sat up in his chair.

  I was confused. “Do about what, Aaron? What do you mean?”

  “I called Charlie.” He ran his hands across his close-cut hair.

  I suddenly felt like shit again.

  “Told her that we needed to talk in the morning.” His eyes grew misty.

  I got up from my chair, about to head back into the hotel.

  Aaron got up from his chair and grabbed my arm, pulling me back to him.

  I pushed him off me.

  He exhaled deeply. “Heaven, we knew this was coming. Did you really think I was gonna be able to face her without having to explain to her where I’ve been these past few days?”

  “Aaron, whatever you decide you wanna do with her, that’s your business. I really shouldn’t be, and I really don’t wanna be hearing this.” My voice trembled.

  Aaron tried to fight back the tears. “It’s not fair to myself, Charlie, or the baby to marry someone who I am not in love with, just to save my family’s reputation or so that the person who my parents think is the ‘perfect fit’ for my family can inherit their money. Charlie’s not stupid, shorty. She’s been blowing up my phone since I left your cousin’s restaurant last night. The only reason why she even agreed to meeting me in the morning is because she has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and wants me to go with her.”

  I was so hurt hearing him talk about her. There was no use in crying over him. There was no use in being mad at the situation. He wasn’t mine to begin with. The past two nights with him didn’t change that.

  “Charlie couldn’t care less about my family’s tradition. She might say fuck me and my got-damn family tomorrow when we speak. She already cursed me out over the phone! After I get her to calm down, and if she wants to get married, then I’m calling my parents.”

  I laughed a little. “If she wants to get married? Really, Aaron?”

  He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

  “Charlie loves you, Aaron. I don’t give a fuck what you do. The girl is in love with you. Now, she might hate me after this, but you? No, boo-boo, she’s not going anywhere any time soon. I really think you could get away with murder right about now and the girl would probably say ‘the muthafucka deserved it.’” I swept the bangs from my face. “So, go ’head, and pick your girl out a nice ring. Something at least three or four karats—probably princess cut—most likely in a platinum setting. You know Charlie hates gold or anything too flashy. But I’m pretty sure that your family has some sort of ring that they pass down through generations, huh?”

  Aaron looked surprised that I talked about his situation so calmly.

  I shrugged. “What do you want me to say, Aaron? The sex today was beyond amazing. I can barely feel my legs right now!”

  Aaron laughed a little, though I know he was hurting inside just as badly as I was. “Yeah, that pussy still has a nigga dazed.”

  “But despite how good it feels to be with you, we know this is wrong. This is it. After tonight, it’s back to reality.” I sighed, hair blowing in the wind behind me.

  Aaron hesitated for a minute, as if he had something to say, but didn’t know how to say it.

  I looked up at him. “What?”

  He looked into my face. “I found out today why your boy Jamie is here for a week.”

  I looked up into his face, heart pounding against my rib cage. I shook my head. I really couldn’t care less why Jamie decided after four years to show his face back up in Maryland. I knew I wasn’t the reason why he showed up. He had missed four of my birthdays already. I knew I couldn’t have been the reason he’d come back.

  “Word on the street is his new agent works out of Baltimore. Come May, your boy will be drafted into the NFL. I heard the Ravens want him, but that’s just what I heard.” Aaron looked at me, waiting for a reaction.

  I was highly upset. “What the hell does that have to do with me? I don’t give a fuck what team Jamie ends up playing for. His life is not my concern anymore; hasn’t been for four years, Aaron.”

  Aaron knew I was hurt by the entire situation. Jamie was the last person I wanted to see, let alone hear about. “You gonna meet up with him this week, shorty?”

  I was getting really irritated with the whole subject. “Aaron, why are you asking me about Jamie? Why are you even bringing him up, that’s what I wanna know?”

  “I’m just sayin’, shorty, what are you gonna do the rest of your life? Be alone?” His eyes glistened. “You know it pains me to say this shit, but maybe you should give dude a try. The way he got all defensive at your party proves the dude still has feelings for you.”

  My lips trembled. I fought back the tears. “The only thing worse than being alone is to even think about being with him! I can’t even believe that you’re suggesting this!”

  “You just said last night at your own birthday party, in front of your cousin, that you weren’t lonely, but we all know that’s bullshit, Heaven. You wanna be with somebody. You want love. Even before I knew that Charlie was pregnant, and I told you that I would leave her for you, you pushed me away. You’re afraid to get hurt, and that’s cool, but someday, your heart has got to give.” Aaron pulled me closer to him by my hands.

  I looked up, shaking my head. “Aaron, today, you kissed my lips—the ones on my face and the ones between my legs. You massaged my shoulders, my back, my butt, my thighs, and my feet. You sucked on my fingers, my neck, my shoulders, my nipples, and my clit. You gently pulled my hair. I put scratches on your back. I wrapped my legs around your neck while you tongue fucked my pussy. I came in your mouth, and you came in mine. We took a shower together. You ran your fingers through my hair. You made my pussy cry just as you said you would. Tears of joy trickled down my thighs. Aaron, we made long, wet, passionate, hot, sticky, sweaty, nasty, crazy, drunk love.”

  “Yeah, it felt like magic, that’s for damn sure.” Aaron shook his head to himself.

  I slid my hands from his. “If I can’t feel the way I felt with you today every day, then I don’t wanna feel that way at all. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, Aaron, but moving on to someone else isn’t gonna heal my heart. You have me wide open, like literally. The fact that Jamie is coming back in town doesn’t change the fact that he left me four
years ago, without looking back. He never came to visit, let alone wrote me any letters. I could give a fuck if Jamie is here or not. He’s toxic, and I’m not going anywhere near him.”

  “Heaven, the reason why you’re still hurting over dude is because you still love him. If you didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. You’d be like ‘fuck it, fuck him.’” Aaron’s eyes maintained contact with mine as he spoke.

  I shook my head. “Aaron, I really don’t wanna talk to you about Jamie, okay?”

  He nodded. “A’ight. I’m sorry for bringing him up, but you’re gonna have to face the dude sooner or later. Can’t run from dude for too long, and I already know it won’t take a week before he comes looking for you. You didn’t see the look on his face when he confronted me about you. Dude still has feelings for you.”

  I sighed. “I need a drink.” I ran my fingers through my hair anxiously.

  Aaron grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to him. “Nah, let’s get in the hot tub again.” He looked down, eyes tracing my lips.

  I nodded, heart pounding in my chest as he held my hand, taking me back inside. He had my heart ready to explode. His touch, his kiss, his voice, his smell, his very presence drove me crazy. Aaron had me like Kia up in that bitch. Dude licked, sucked, and fucked my everything. I rode that dick that night as if I was never going to get that dick again, literally. Charlie made sure of that. The sad part was that Aaron was right about Jamie. He’d come for me eventually. It’s funny how niggas don’t want you until they see someone else is interested in you.

  Aaron didn’t take me back to the dorm until early the next morning. At about 7:00, we got up, got dressed, and ate breakfast. I felt like I was on death row, eating my last meal before an execution. I already knew I was about to face the firing squad that morning. I had been avoiding Renée since the incident at the karaoke bar. She was bound to show up at my dorm that morning. I had a 10:00 Humanities class. I wasn’t sure what time Aaron had to be in class, but he sure as hell looked like he wasn’t in the mood for anything educational that day either. He must have gone through about half a pack of cigarettes that morning. I’ve never seen him smoke that much.