I Gave Him My Heart Read online

  “I don’t see what y’all see in Bobbie, standing over there looking like the lost member of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Ol’ Bizzy Bone-lookin’ ass.” Brittanie rolled her eyes. “He’s too light-skinned for me. You know I like ‘em chocolate. Shit, I like ‘em black-n-crispy! The blacker the berry the—”

  “The stupider you sound.” Peanut smacked her lips, watching me watching Bobbie. She looked at Bobbie. “That nigga is fine, but he is also your cousin’s boyfriend.” Peanut reminded me.

  “There’s nothing wrong with her looking though.” Brittanie looked Bobbie’s way.

  It didn’t take long for Bobbie to notice us noticing him. My girls shied their stares away, but I just kept on looking. He grinned at me. Looking at that dude made my mouth water; I licked the drool from my lips. And Bobbie winked at me before pouring himself another cup of punch.

  Brittanie and Peanut looked at me, shaking their heads at me.

  “Try and keep your panties on tonight, k?” Peanut nudged me.

  I rolled my eyes. “Shut up, stupid.” I took my jacket off, handing it to Brittanie. “Here, hold my jacket. I’m about to go over and say hello to him. How do I look?”

  “Like jail bate.” Brittanie rolled her eyes, looking me over. “I’m not feeling this shit. The only reason I came to this party is to make sure my sister, Ashlie, gets home by curfew. One more time being late, and Dad is gonna send me and her to live with my aunt in Ohio. Normally, I’d be on my worst behavior, but I’m not trying to get sent away. Y’all remember what happened last month when my dad came home early and caught me on the couch, making out with Chris. If my dad wouldn’t have come home when he did, Chris’ ass would have fucked me bow-legged!”

  I flipped my hair over my shoulders, taking a deep breath. I started to make my way towards Bobbie when Peanut grabbed my arm.

  “Best friend, I don’t think you need to be talking to that dude. I’ve heard some shit about him. C’mon, chill with us. Fuck smoking with Wayne and them. He didn’t tell us that he was gonna be kickin’ it with Bobbie and them. Bobbie ain’t shit but trouble; I’m trying to tell you!” Peanut begged as I pulled away from her.

  “I’m just gonna go say hi to the boy. Damn, chill.” I huffed, before making my way over to the punch table where Bobbie stood with a couple of his boys.

  The group of boys watched as I approached the table. I didn’t say anything to any of them. I just grabbed a cup from the table, and proceeded to grab the punch bowl spoon.

  “Aye, lil’ girl, ain’t you Geneva’s cousin?” one of the boys asked.

  I looked up at the boy who stood alongside Bobbie. I rolled my eyes a little before pouring myself some punch. “I have a name, and it ain’t ‘Geneva’s Cousin’.”

  They all laughed a little.

  “Yeah, that’s Geneva’s cousin alright. All that muthafuckin’ attitude.” Bobbie laughed to himself before taking a sip from his cup.

  I looked up at him, taking a sip from my cup, too.

  Bobbie looked me over a little as he lowered his cup from his lips. “How old are you, lil’ girl?”

  “Old enough.” I snapped back. “And my name ain’t ‘lil’ nothing—it’s Kourtney.”

  Bobbie grinned, looking over my shoulder.

  I looked over my shoulder to see my cousin, Geneva, and her girls leaving out the front door. She’d mentioned earlier that they were going to have to drive across town to pick up their friend, Tara. I looked back at Bobbie who was looking my body over from my toes, back up to my face.

  “Got-damn, look at them thighs, bruh.” Brittanie’s friend, Wayne, standing to Bobbie’s left, whispered to him.

  “Since you’re ‘old enough,’ how about you come kick it downstairs with me and my niggas?” Bobbie grinned at me.

  I shook my head. “What I look like kickin’ it by myself with a bunch of strange niggas?”

  They all laughed at me.

  “How are we strangers? You know me, Bobbie. You know my niggas. They’re on my basketball team. This is Tremaine. This is Wayne. That’s Javion. That’s D.J. And that’s my nigga, Leone.” Bobbie introduced his homies to me. “Tell your other little girls over there they can come, too. Wayne said your girl, Brittanie, was supposed to kick it with us anyway. We’re about to play cards and spark one.”

  I looked back at my girls, signaling them to come over to the punch table.

  Brittanie was reluctant to come, but Peanut grabbed her hand, pulling her along with her over to the table where I stood with the fellas.

  “Y’all already know my white chick, Brittanie, and my redbone, Peanut.” I re-introduced my crew to his crew.

  They looked my girls over a little, nodding, like they just knew we were about to be down for whatever. That night was just full of bad choices. The first bad choice was going to that house in the first place. The second bad choice was going down to that basement with these horny teenaged boys, knowing we were under-aged and had no business drinking with boys known for taking advantage of young girls. I just wanted to be in Bobbie’s presence. I didn’t want to drink with them, I didn’t want to smoke with them, and I damn sure didn’t want Bobbie kissing on me in front of all of his friends, knowing that he was dating my cousin. The boys made sure to get us nice and drunk that night; I was the only one who didn’t know when to say enough was enough. My cousin was nowhere in sight, and the basement started to get crowded with more people, mainly females. Brittanie’s parents paged her, and she had to leave. Peanut started to get uncomfortable when one of Bobbie’s friends started smoking cigarettes that had been dipped in embalming fluid. Not to mention, these boys were “popping skittles.” You know, when teens mix whatever medication they can find in their parent’s medicine cabinet, put that shit in a bowl, and pop that shit. Peanut begged me to leave with her, but I told her I was going to wait on my cousin. After Bobbie attempted to slide his hands up my skirt, I decided that I was going to call one of my aunts to see if one of them could come and get me. I would have rather gotten in trouble for being drunk (not to mention high) than get in trouble for being drunk and staying out late with Bobbie and his friends.

  “Can I use your phone?” I pushed Bobbie’s arm from around me.

  He nodded, grinning, drunk as hell. “Yeah.” He started digging in his pockets for his phone. “Oh, I left it on the sink counter in the bathroom.”

  I got up, stumbling a little.

  Bobbie got up, grabbing me close. He laughed. “You shouldn’t drink if you can’t handle it, sweetheart.”

  “I’m fine.” I pushed him off of me. I wasn’t fine. I had about five cups of whatever they mixed in that punch. And about ten or so pills from that bowl that sat on the coffee table. I could barely stand on my own. There was no way that I was going to be able to go home like that. I let Peanut and Brittanie leave without me, knowing that I should have left with them.

  The room was spinning around me. I grabbed onto Bobbie.

  “You sure you’re okay?” he asked, just as I felt my stomach start to churn.

  And sure enough, I threw up all over dude, in front of everyone.

  “Got damn!” Everyone in the room cringed, watching the two of us drenched in everything that I’d eaten that day.

  I started crying, embarrassed out of my mind.

  Bobbie wasn’t the least bit fazed. He removed his bandanna, then his t-shirt. My vision was blurry, but even a blind person could see the muscles on that muthafucka. He was fine as hell, though he was totally disrespectful. He grabbed me close, throw up all over my clothes and all. And he swooped my shirt over my head.

  I screamed out, trying to grab the shirt from him, listening to his boys whistling at the sight of my 34-Cs in my black lace push-up bra.

  Bobbie grinned as one of his friends snatched the shirt from his hands, tossing it in the trashcan in the corner of the room. Bobbie then grabbed me by the belt loops of my jean skirt. He quietly unzipped it, pulling it from my body, tossing it to his friend as well. There I was, in my
bra, boy shorts, and sandals.

  I was too drunk to fight this guy back. Too drunk to curse him out because I couldn’t even get my words together to tell him how wrong he was. He grabbed ahold of my hand, leading me out of the room where we were and down the hallway to the bathroom. He closed the door behind us as I snatched away from him. The bathroom was pretty small, ya know, because it was one of those quick-build basement bathrooms. It had a sink, a toilet, and one of those frosted-glass shower units.

  I shook my head at Bobbie before looking over at the sink countertop where his cell phone was sitting. I grabbed his phone and immediately started dialing my Aunt Dorothy’s number. I watched as Bobbie reached into the shower, turning it on.

  The phone rang about five times. Meanwhile, I was watching this nigga start to undress in front of me.

  My eyes widened, and I backed up into the door just as Aunt Dorothy answered the phone. “Hello?” She yawned through the phone.

  “Uhhh…” I couldn’t even get the words out. This muthafucka was down to his boxers and socks. He looked up at me, grinning as he pulled his socks off one at a time.

  “Hello? Who the fuck is this calling my phone this got-damn late?” Aunt Dorothy snapped through the phone. “I have got-damn star 69, muthafucka!”

  “Aunt Dorothy!” I yelped as Bobbie pulled me to him by the waistband of my pants.

  “Kourtney? Girl, it’s… it’s damn near midnight! Where are you, and whose phone are you calling me from?” Aunt Dorothy actually sounded concerned about me. Most of my aunts thought I was fast. They’d assumed I was just like my mother, never satisfied with one man. They didn’t care that I was only twelve. Shit, I didn’t look like it. I wasn’t having what I considered as sex. I may have sucked on a few dicks and let a nigga play in my panties. It was a feeling that I’d gotten used to at an early age, and although I was confused about the feelings that it aroused, I was in love with it.

  At that point, Bobbie was trying to kiss me, and I was trying to push him up off of me. “I’m-I’m at a party. Geneva took me to this—”

  Aunt Dorothy cut me off. “Geneva? Lawd.” She scoffed, sounding just like Nina. “What the fuck are you doing out with her? She’s fifteen, living on the edge, with no guidance and with no got-damn sense of morality! The type of places that she goes is nowhere for a twelve-year-old girl to go!”

  At that point, I was watching Bobbie slip out of his boxers. I’d touched a penis, maybe tasted a few, but I knew good and well that as hard as his dick was, he didn’t plan on either. It was then that I realized the rumors that a few of the girls that I knew from school had said about him were true. He had gotten away with so much date rape because of his popularity. My cousin was dating a fuckin’ rapist and didn’t even acknowledge it. He was her meal ticket, despite his perverted ways. Why I had a crush on someone with that type of reputation, I had no idea.

  “Kourtney, where is your cousin?” Aunt Dorothy demanded an answer.

  Bobbie slid his hand between my legs, slipping his fingers through my pussy lips. I gasped, trying to push him away, but he grabbed me, tossing me into the shower.

  I yelped. “Aunt Dorothy, please come get me!” I cried out.

  “Honey, where—” Bobbie snatched the phone right in the middle of my aunt asking me where I was. He tossed the phone to the floor and came into the shower after me, closing the door behind him.

  I screamed out as Bobbie cupped my mouth, pressing my body up against the cold tile of the shower.

  I shook my head at him, crying, the showerhead spraying water down over my head.

  “When I take my hand off of your mouth, you better not scream. Do you hear me? If you scream, I swear, I’ll choke your little ass to death in this shower.” Bobbie looked into my face.

  I cried, nodding, scared out of my mind, not believing that I’d gotten myself into that twisted situation. Twelve-years old, infatuated with a rapist, in love with danger, wanting love and attention so bad that I’d accept it from anyone.

  Bobbie uncapped my mouth, looking down into my face. “My homies out there wanna piece of you, too. We do this shit every night. Do you know how lucky you are to be in this position? You said you were old enough. I heard you were feeling me. So show me.”

  I shook my head. “You’re my cousin’s boyfriend! A crush and fuckin’ are two different things, Bobbie!” I cried.

  “Either you do me now, or I let my niggas in and let them do you first. It’s up to you. You don’t have a choice. You should have left with your friends.” Bobbie snarled.

  His phone started vibrating against the floor. My aunt was probably calling the phone back.

  I cried out loud as Bobbie lifted my body up against the wall, wrapping my legs around his waist. I tried my best not to scream, but he shoved his way through me so forcefully that screaming was an automatic reaction to the shockwave he sent through me.

  He immediately gripped my neck in his hands while thrusting inside of me. “I told you to shut the fuck up!” he yelled in my ear. “Didn’t I?”

  I gagged as Bobbie’s grip around my neck damn near cut off my airway.

  “You want a nigga, don’t you?” He thrust in and out of me, gripping my thigh with one hand and my neck with the other. “Don’t you?” He growled in my ear.

  I struggled to nod, tears racing down my face.

  “Then cum on this dick.” Bobbie let go of my neck and gripped my other thigh, pulling my body in closer to his. “Wrap your arms around me, Kourtney.” He finally called me by my name.

  I hesitated, crying out loud, sliding my arms over his shoulder.

  He started to pump harder and deeper, causing all types of weird sensations throughout my body. I was already scared out of my mind, not enjoying the moment the least bit. My mind was telling me to scream out so someone would hear what he was doing to me in the bathroom, but my body was in total disagreement. As he began to plunge my pussy, he sent a ripple effect that my body had yet to feel. He was raping me, and I was having multiple orgasms. I had no idea what I was feeling at the time. I was drunk, afraid, confused, lost. My legs grew weaker, numb, heavy as he pressed my body against the wall, starting to thrust as hard as he could.

  “Bobbie, please stop!” I screamed out, and again, he gripped my neck with all of his might. I felt myself slipping away, just when this nigga’s body trembled, releasing forceful spurts of fluid against my cervix.

  I cried out loud as Bobbie released my neck, his chest panting against mine. He looked down into my face as he let me down to the floor. He was just as drunk as I was, and I think it just dawned on him what he was actually doing to me, a twelve-year-old girl in middle school.

  Bobbie backed up against the door of the shower before turning around to open it. And just when he did, Geneva burst through the bathroom floor. Apparently, it was Geneva who called the nigga’s phone. Someone had told her that he’d taken me to the shower, and she hauled her ass back to the party. When I thought she was there to defend me, she was there to stomp the shit out of me. She pushed past naked Bobbie and dragged me by my hair out of the shower.

  Mind you, damn near half of the party had moved to the basement by then, so there had to be at least forty people on the basement floor. My cousin dragged me out of the bathroom, wet, naked, in only my wet bra, down the hallway, in front of everyone. Bobbie struggled to get into his wife-beater and boxers before trying to stop his girlfriend from whupping the shit out of me. No one stopped to help me. They let her whup the fuck out of me. And worst of all, a few of her friends helped her stomp the shit out of me. They beat me unconscious, and when I came to, they were still kicking me. When they were done with me, they dumped my ass off in front of the Naval Hospital and drove the fuck off.

  I woke up the next morning, in the hospital, to see my mother, Aunt Rayna, and Nina at my bedside. Of the three of them, the only one who looked worried was Nina. Turned out, the doctors told my mother about the results of the rape kit. Though they found semen, then could not
tell whether or not it was a rape. My hymen was broken, they told her, but it looked as though it had been broken some time ago. My mother went on a rant, assuming that I was having sex before that point. She didn’t know about what happened to me at Aunt Janise’s house at the age of five. She didn’t know that my own female cousin broke my hymen. Mama just assumed that I was a hoe and that I was out fucking with someone’s man the night before. She told me that I deserved what I’d gotten if I was out there fuckin’ someone else’s man. I was so hurt that I just went along with her story. I already felt bad enough for putting myself in that situation. I should have gone with Nina to the museum. I would have ended up spending the night with her, watching scary movies instead of ending up in a real life nightmare. My mother made me feel so slutty that, when the police showed up for questioning, I pretended to be too drunk the night before to remember.

  ***

  Life as I knew it from that point would never be the same. I had serious trust issues from that point on out. My own mother wouldn’t even believe that I was raped. There was really no point in telling her about any of the molestation that I’d endured if her first thought of her daughter’s broken hymen was that I was fuckin’ before the age of twelve. It was bad enough that Geneva had everyone thinking that I was a hoe, but to have my own mother think the same of me?

  Geneva went around telling everyone that I was fucking with Bobbie. I should’ve gotten her and her bitch-ass friends arrested, but instead, I got revenge. I told Peanut and Brittanie what happened. I left my cousin, Nina, out of it because I didn’t want to hear ‘I told you so. Peanut and Brittanie wouldn’t ask questions, they wouldn’t make me feel stupid, and they wouldn’t hesitate to help me jump a bitch. In fact, they’d call in reinforcement. From the word “that nigga raped me,” Peanut was already on it. She called a group of her gang-affiliated cousins to whup Bobbie and the other teammates that got us drunk. And once I showed them the bruises and footprints that my cousin and her girls stamped on me, Brittanie was calling her cousins as well. It was all out war at my cousin’s high school for at least three months before the violence stopped. But it wasn’t until Bobbie actually got shot by the brother of another young girl that he raped that my cousin actually believed what he’d done to me.