It's Wrong for Me to Love You Read online

  That same week, my uncle passed away. My family and I flew to Texas to attend his homecoming. I was devastated. Uncle Carlito was my favorite uncle and my father’s little brother. He was the youngest of ten children. He stayed with us until I was about thirteen years old. He was more like an older brother to me, than he was my uncle. He taught us how to play soccer, how to fight boys, how to fire weapons, how to fish, how to make a campfire. . . . He was going to be missed. I hated the fact that I couldn’t see his face and talk to him about my problems. I was avoiding him throughout my entire pregnancy because I knew if I called him on the phone, he would hear in my voice that something was wrong. Rest in peace, Uncle Carlito.

  I had finally started talking to Ne’Vaeh again, or at least texting the girl on a regular basis. Two months had gone by, and I hadn’t contacted Jamie, nor had he reached out to me. However, the day I arrived back in Maryland from Texas, I got a call from Kelissa telling me that Jamie was going to be in town for the week. Why she felt the need to tell me, I had no idea. And why I couldn’t contact Ne’Vaeh or Aaron the day I arrived back in Maryland, I didn’t know either. Neither one showed up to the airport to meet me as planned. Neither were answering their phones, either. I had to contact Renée, Ne’Vaeh’s cousin, just to know what was up. Once I had arrived in Baltimore, I agreed to meet Renée at Venus around one o’clock to help them finish decorating for the party.

  I got in a cab that afternoon, as my sister and brother placed my bags in the trunk. My whole family was going to a family get-together at my aunt’s house. I planned to meet Aaron for lunch, but he wasn’t answering my calls. I tried calling Ne’Vaeh to wish her a happy birthday, but she never picked up her phone either. I asked the cabdriver to take me over to Aaron’s crib. I was going to shower and change before heading to Venus. My flight was already late, and I knew that by the time I got to Venus, they would probably be finished setting up the ballroom for the party. Renée told me that the family was meeting there around twelve-thirty for Ne’Vaeh’s birthday lunch. She was really hoping I’d show up in time to eat with them, but I wasn’t in the mood to converse with Ne’Vaeh’s fake-ass family. Renée and her family were cool, but the rest of the family never supported her because of the way they felt about her mother. Why they decided on showing up years after the fact, I had no idea.

  I could smell the Purple Haze in the air as I stepped out of the cab, upon arriving at Aaron and Ashton’s apartment. I rolled my eyes as I walked around to the trunk of the cab to get my bags from there. Aaron and his friends were so busy sitting, smoking, and laughing on the balcony that they didn’t even notice that I pulled up. Ashton strolled out of the front door of the apartment building just in time to help me.

  “What’s up, sista?” he called out, running up to meet me at the cab.

  “Hey, Ashton.” I smiled at him as he approached me.

  He kissed my cheek. “Girl, let me get those.”

  “Thanks, boo.” I sighed. I looked up at Aaron as he passed a blunt to Amina, this light-skinned chick who made it a habit to show up to the crib whenever she knew weed was involved. I wasn’t really sure what to think of her. I wasn’t really worried about Aaron sweatin’ her. He didn’t even seem to have an interest in red chicks, myself included. Every poster on his wall of a model was either brown or dark-skinned.

  “Well, I see why Aaron hasn’t been answering his phone.” I rolled my eyes. “How long have they been here? Have they been out here smoking all day?”

  Ashton looked at me as he closed the trunk. “Nah.” He put the strap to my overnight bag over his shoulder and pulled the handle on my suitcase so he could roll it down the walkway. “How was your trip?” he asked.

  I looked at him, shaking my head. “Saw a lot of family I haven’t seen since I was like four or five. Had some laughs and a whole lot of tears. You know how much I loved Carlito. He was like a father to me. He will be missed.”

  Ashton nodded. “Yeah, shorty, I know. I wish I could have been there with you, but I just got this job down at the hospital and—”

  I cut him off. “Please, Ashton, you don’t have to apologize.” We started walking toward the apartment building. “You have always been there for me. I didn’t want anyone seeing me falling out, crying over Carlito’s body in that casket anyway. I don’t even wanna talk about it.”

  We got to the building, and Ashton opened the door to let me in. We walked up a flight of stairs to his apartment, and again, he opened the door for me. The smell of butter and cinnamon smacked me in the nose the moment we entered the building and nearly suffocated me upon walking into the apartment. “Oh my goodness . . . Mmmm.” I followed the smell into the apartment. “Y’all niggas were cooking French toast this morning?”

  Ashton shook his head, carrying my luggage into the apartment. “Shit, not me. You know I can’t even boil water.”

  I looked at him, setting my purse on the coffee table. The apartment was so nice and tidy, smelling like Pine Sol and carpet cleaner, which was so not the usual. Usually, their apartment smelled like sweaty gym socks, cigars, and Newports. “Damn, so y’all cooked and cleaned? Y’all must have had company over.”

  Ashton set my luggage alongside the coffee table. He looked at me, then came over and sat by me on the sofa. “Nah, shorty, I ain’t had shit, and I ain’t cooked shit. And I damn sure didn’t clean this apartment. Shit, niggas come in this bitch all day fuckin’ up shit. Eating up all the snacks. Most of the time, Aaron has the whole basketball team up in this bitch. Alisha helped Aaron clean a few days ago. Guess she got tired of shit lying everywhere.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Ashton, why the fuck you lyin’? Alisha wouldn’t clean up after y’all grown-ass men.”

  He just looked at me.

  I really didn’t even want to know. Alisha admitted that Ashton was slinging his dick around the tristate area. As much as Alisha got on my damn muthafuckin’ nerves, I had to admit that she was beautiful. Her body looked amazing. Weren’t too many teenage women who had big breasts, a tiny waist, a phat ass and thick thighs. She looked like a stripper. Alisha dissed niggas left and right for Ashton, and meanwhile, he was playing the field.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not even gonna ask. Y’all niggas make me sick. How much pussy does one nigga gotta have? Y’all always claiming hoes ain’t loyal; then you turn around and do shit to make her not be loyal to your sorry ass!”

  Ashton laughed to himself. “So, you think it’s me who’s cheating on my girl?”

  I looked at him, feeling like I was talking to Jamie. “Ashton, do we really even have to play this game right now? As much as I can’t stand your girl, a nigga would have to be real stupid to even look at another girl, when they have a girl who looks like that! Alisha is a knockout! Ashton, why would you cheat on her?”

  He looked at me. “Charlie, it’s not cheating when your girl knows about it. You don’t have to understand what me and my girl have going on, because that’s our thing. I don’t have to answer to you or anybody else. I use protection. I wrap my shit up. If I’m gonna give into my weakness from time to time, I play smart about it. I might bring a girl or two over, give them the dick, then I send her ’bout her business, simple as that. I know my worth, and I know these chicks around here make a career out of getting pregnant by athletes and doctors and shit. I’m going to college to play ball, and I’m going to medical school. I really don’t give a fuck if you think I’m triflin’ or not, Charlie. I love Alisha, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt her. We can’t have sex, shorty, which is why we don’t have sex.”

  I looked at Ashton, a little puzzled. “What do you mean you ‘can’t’ have sex?”

  He looked at me, shaking his head. “Just forget it, yo. Let’s just leave it at that, shorty. I’ve said too much already. We all have our secrets. There are skeletons in everyone’s closet, including yours.”

  My heart skipped a few beats. “Wh-what is that supposed to mean, Ashton?” I stuttered.

  He just looked at
me for a few seconds. “I think that’s a conversation you need to be having with Aaron. I try not to get in grown folks’ business.”

  I shook my head. Alisha and her big-ass fuckin’ mouth. “Ashton, I love Aaron, okay? If I tell him about Jamie, he’ll leave me alone with this baby! A baby that I don’t even want! A baby that I am so not ready to have!”

  Ashton looked confused. “Jamie? Jamie who? I didn’t say anything about no ‘Jamie.’ And you’re pregnant? What?”

  I was stunned into silence. He wasn’t even talking about Jamie. The expression on his face proved he had no idea what in the hell I was talking about. Alisha had kept her big-ass mouth shut for once, and I had opened mine too soon.

  Ashton’s looked at me. “Charlie? What are you talking about?”

  I sighed. “Ashton, yes, I’m pregnant. About eleven weeks pregnant.”

  Ashton wasn’t even sure what to say. His brown eyes searched my face. He shook his head at me in disbelief.

  I started to cry because I was in a fucked-up situation, though there was really no use in crying. I created the storm, yet I was the one upset when it started to rain. Man, that Karma is a mean bitch.

  Ashton thought to himself for a minute then looked at me, watching the tears slide down my face. The look on his face changed from disbelief to I-know-what-the-fuck-you-did.

  “Charlie, Alisha mentioned this morning that she was going to surprise Ne’Vaeh with someone from her past tonight at her birthday party. I have known shorty for a long time, and I know that there’s only two people that she might want to see right about now, and that’s her sister who ran away six years ago or Jamie Green who left her about four years ago. Is that the Jamie you’re talking about, Charlie? Tell me he’s not the Jamie you’re referring to, shorty.”

  I dried my tears. I couldn’t even look Ashton in the face, but I could feel him looking at me.

  Ashton put his hands on my face, turning my face toward his. “Charlie, look at me. Tell me what’s goin’ on. C’mon, shorty, I’m your boy.”

  I shook my head, taking his hands from my face.

  “Eh, yo, what’s goin’ on?” Aaron’s voice shook both of us.

  Ashton got up from the couch.

  I sat there, drying the tears from my face.

  Ashton laughed the tension off. “Nuthin’, bruh. Your girl was just curious about why you didn’t save her any French toast this morning. You know that’s her favorite, man.”

  Aaron looked over at me. He saw my wet cheeks. He wasn’t buying it. “Uh-huh. Charlie, meet me in the bathroom, a’ight?”

  I nodded my head, unable to look up at him. I stood from the couch, watching Aaron’s back as he walked back toward the bathroom. I began to dig through my luggage for a pair of jeans and a ribbed tank top.

  I could feel Ashton’s eyes on the back of my neck. “Charlie, you’re really not gonna tell me what’s going on?”

  I shook my head in frustration, standing back up from my luggage, clothes in my hand. “Ashton, just drop it, okay?” I started to walk toward the bathroom when he grabbed my arm. I looked up at him.

  Ashton shook his head. “You might not wanna tell me what’s goin’ on, but trust me when I tell you that you aren’t the only one who has some explaining to do.” He let go of my arm.

  When I stepped into the bathroom, Aaron sat on the edge of the bathtub smoking a cigarette. The shower water was running. The smell of Caress soap filled the bathroom, and I knew Alisha hadn’t left the apartment too long ago. I tried to hold my breath, and not breathe in the smoke.

  “Please,” I coughed, “could you put that shit out? You have fuckin’ asthma, Aaron, and I know second-hand smoke kills too. . . .”

  Aaron exhaled smoke from his nose before tossing the cigarette in the toilet. He looked higher than a muthafucka as he watched me undress. Though he looked fine as hell in his wife beater and sweats, I couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t dressed to leave the house.

  “Are you going to Ne’Vaeh’s birthday lunch or her birthday party tonight, Aaron?” I unsnapped my bra, pulling it from my arms. My breasts popped out of my bra like biscuit dough popping out of a biscuit canister. Damn, I needed a bigger bra. In two months, my breasts had gone from just barely a C-cup to a damn D-cup.

  Aaron’s eyes were fixated to them. He didn’t take his eyes off them the entire time I undressed. “Nah, I wasn’t invited.”

  I rolled my eyes, sliding off my panties. “Aaron, I would like to not have to dance alone this year at Ne’Vaeh’s party. You know every time Renée throws a party for anyone, she has that damn couple’s dance.” I climbed into the shower.

  He sighed. “How was Texas, shorty?” He brought up another touchy subject to avoid the touchy subject that we were already on. For some reason, Aaron never went to any of Ne’Vaeh’s parties. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he didn’t want to go to this party.

  “Shitty as any funeral would be, Aaron.” I stood under the shower, rinsing my hair before applying floral-scented shampoo to it. “Don’t try to change the subject, Aaron. Why the hell do I always have to go to this girl’s birthday parties by myself? What do you have against her? You don’t like my girl or something? You’re always avoiding her or any conversation about her.” I lathered the shampoo, massaging my scalp with my fingertips. “You never like any of my friends, Aaron!”

  “Charlie, I have nothing against your girl. I just don’t go where I’m not invited, shorty. It’s that simple. But if you want me to go with you, all right, I’ll go. What time are you going to her party?”

  I rinsed my hair. “Well, I was supposed to be there a few hours ago.” I washed my face. “Speaking of a few hours ago, I was blowing up your phone all morning, and you didn’t answer. As a matter of fact, I called both you and Ne’Vaeh, and neither of you answered.”

  Aaron was silent, too silent.

  “So, you have no words, right?” I began to lather soap all over my body.

  He sighed. “Charlie, you wanna talk about not answering calls, huh? Why did you avoid my calls the entire week that you were gone? Why did you laugh when I mentioned getting married? And why didn’t you tell me that you were thinking about transferring to Miami?”

  I looked up to see Aaron peeping at me from behind the shower curtain. He always did answer a question with about two or three questions of his own. That was his way of reversing the blame. I wasn’t in the mood for his games when I was already feeling really shitty.

  “Look, Aaron,” I rinsed the suds from my body, “I was going through a whole lot in Texas. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.” I turned off the shower. “When you asked me what I thought about marriage, I had just found out that my uncle passed away. I was in my feelings, I was emotional, and I wasn’t thinking straight. Of course, I love you and would love to be your wife someday, but now isn’t the time.” I wrung out my hair.

  “I applied to colleges outside of Maryland because I’m sick of this place. I cannot seem to get away from my past, and I’m tired of it getting thrown in my face. The University of Miami was the first college to accept me. The only person I even mentioned it to was Dana’s big-mouthed ass. I didn’t think it even mattered to you one way or another. You could give a fuck if I stay here. Your mind always seems to be on everything else but me, Aaron. You don’t care if I leave Maryland. You probably wouldn’t even notice.” I stepped out of the shower onto the rug.

  Aaron made a face at me as if he didn’t know what in the hell I was talking about. He watched me grab a towel and wrap it around my body. “Charlie, where is all of this coming from? The fuck you mean I wouldn’t notice? How the fuck could you think I don’t care if you leave and go to Florida?”

  I looked at him. “Aaron, we both know this relationship is in no way what it used to be. You don’t have to pretend to love me anymore. You stopped loving me when Alisha and the rest of her bitches told you about my slutty past! Yeah, I was a freak. Yeah, I fucked everybody! Yeah, I was a ho! Yeah, you deserve
better!” I squealed.

  Aaron sighed. “Charlie, I can’t do this shit. . . .” He ran his hands over his head, frustrated as hell at the way that I was acting.

  I looked up into his face. “Can’t do what, Aaron? It’s like every time we have a conversation, you avoid telling me how you really feel! You don’t wanna go with me to Ne’Vaeh’s party, and I need to know why.”

  Aaron looked at me. He took a deep breath. “Charlie, I gotta do this. I know it’s not the right time, but then again, it’s never the right time to tell someone that it’s time.”

  My eyes grew misty. “Time for what, Aaron?”

  He didn’t say anything. He just turned and walked out of the bathroom.

  I followed behind him, grabbing his arm. He pulled away from me. “Time for what, Aaron?”

  Aaron stood against the hallway wall. He couldn’t even look at me.

  My heart thumped against my rib cage. It was time to say good-bye. I could see it in his face. We both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. We both knew it was over. He wanted to make the first move. I couldn’t let him leave me without an explanation. “Why, Aaron?”

  He still couldn’t look at me. “I just don’t feel the same way that I used to feel about you, and it doesn’t have shit to do with what Alisha or her friends said about you. It’s just me, Charlie.”

  I shook my head. “Hell nah! No, it’s not you. It’s someone else. Who is she?”